Due to the fact that life is multifaceted, we cannot live only with feelings or only with reason, recklessly or always according to logic. To follow logic means to match the chain of actions. Common sense. This is the ability of a person to think soberly, the ability to predict events and thereby warn himself against mistakes.

As a result, my relationship with my husband improved. He is a complex person. In general, I don't know. Write all the details - you are tormented to read. In short, I fell in love again with a man who is much older than me and lives far away from me, covered in tattoos and fond of underage mistresses. He immediately called back, but what should we talk about? I already forgot about him in these two weeks! So obviously we different people, it is so unlikely that we will have any worthwhile relationship, and I feel sorry for my husband. Well, what kind of pig am I?

So, I didn't answer the call. I was not happy to see this incoming call. I wrote to him instead of answering that I can’t continue communication and all the best. Now I sit and suffer. Tell me am I an idiot? If yes, why exactly? And here it is. Maybe I'm an idiot for not answering the phone and refusing to meet the person who attracted me so fantastically, first with one look, then with a short conversation. A very interesting person, outwardly not at all attractive, but I was blown away instantly.

Excess of emotions, lack of common sense or what?

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And it is doubly interesting to understand why he attracted me so much? But we will not talk about the physical essence of our being, but about our inner world. What does it mean to live at all? Everyone has their own opinions on this. For some, just waking up in bed in the morning is life. and for some, world fame is tantamount to life. and in its absence, a person considers himself dead.

Logic.docx

Those people who are guided by their feelings, they get more saturation from life than the rest. But at the same time, they suffer the most. Why is this happening? Is the world of emotions too cruel? The thing is that a person who is guided by his heart passes everything through him, both bad feelings and good ones.

A person has logic, but someone prefers to use it, and someone does not, or simply not everyone is given it. Each of us decides how to live and how to enjoy certain benefits.

But living with feelings is also very dangerous, because if everything that was before disappears, it becomes very bad, some people do not want to live at all. Intelligence. What it is? Most likely, this is the very thinking that is present in the human brain, as a rule, it is rational, that is, a person who possesses it can make decisions in a balanced and more or less correct way. A person who is dominated by rational thoughts will not be guided by emotions and feelings, he thinks in fairness, according to the facts that he sees, not including his inner feelings.

Logic helps us move in the right direction

To live not reasonably (recklessly) means not to think about your future, but simply to go with the flow of life and accept what fate gives us. But besides this, recklessness consists in that. that a person commits acts spontaneously and the consequences of his little concern. Because of this, a lot of life mistakes are made, which a person regrets later. Emotions can also be attributed to irrational actions, very often in a fit of some kind of anger we can say a lot, something that can hurt our neighbor, or just hit or kill someone by accident, a very large number of crimes are committed just like that.

A person needs to be able to use all the advantages given to him. This is where we start thinking logically. Logic distributes our capabilities as rationally as possible to meet certain needs, we want comfort and coziness, and in everything and here we cannot get this without the right logical actions. It is also a calm state of a person, in which he is in balance and clearly knows his capabilities.

Richard Dawkins - God as an illusion. Root of all evil

To live in this way means to know the limit of one's actions, a person with common sense always understands where he is, with whom he speaks, what can be done and what not. Really looking at things, that is, not exaggerating or minimizing any event, but taking into account all the true prevailing ones, is health, that is, an understanding of things. It is very difficult to live always with common sense, as a person is influenced environment. We cannot always control some actions, there are many irritants that affect a person in different ways.

It all depends on our upbringing and the advantages given to us by nature. You can live in different ways and still not adhere to specific concepts. That's why we and people change from time to time, become better, look for that golden mean, which will be the most correct and optimal for us.

Richard Dawkins: Superstitious Thinking

Again I am writing to you, dear accomplices, I ask for a look from the outside. We began to communicate and I again think of him as a husband, I think that we can be together, restore the family. In general, I really want to have children, and again I consider my husband as a candidate for their fathers. But the relationship is not equal. Sometimes he does not call for several days (he is busy with his own affairs), which depresses me and I again begin to look at the side.

It is not reasonable, first of all, when it is not our rational thinking given by nature that decides for our actions, but the feelings that control us

We talked one evening, then he suddenly left. I was so hooked by this communication that I found him on social networks and wrote my phone number with an offer to continue communication. He offers to become his mistress, I refuse, but to say in response that “you know, I’m actually looking for a suitable father for my unborn child,” my tongue didn’t turn.

Only something began to improve with us, and I fell in love with someone again

In general, two weeks have passed, and he calls again. Because I continue to love a husband who does not spend holidays / weekends with me and leaves a lot of space in my head for wind and extraneous feelings? I continue to hope that he will be re-educated and will be a good father for our child, although he was not a good husband for me, and take care of yourself somehow?

After my ill-fated triangle and breakup, it seemed to me that I would not be able to love anyone for a long time. I control myself well, it didn’t even come to touching, but I can be frank with myself - the roof was blown away. Here I sit, I suffer, maybe I should call him and say that I was “joking” and ready to meet?

What is the meaning of human life on this earth? Most likely it is a physical presence in this world and at a certain time. And the most important thing is human activity in one way or another. We all breathe, drink, eat, sleep and reproduce - these are our most basic primitive needs and actions, without them we will not survive.

For example, postpartum depression, many women can be insane from the shock received, unfortunately not everything can control our minds. Or, for example, when a person is insulted, humiliated

We discuss what it means to live by emotions (feelings). Each of us, to a greater or lesser extent, wants some kind of miracle, something unusual, mysterious, high, spiritual. Basically, such people are most often creative, any actors, singers, artists, dancers and just a certain mass of people, they all need inspiration, the so-called muse. Inspiration is a surge of energy, in which a person is on a very high rise in his state of mind, and a muse is an object or a person who makes such emotional person happy, joyful.

Such a person lives quite successfully, since there is a certain restraint in his character, which allows him to be closer to his goals. A person, instead of doubting or feeling something, simply builds certain action plans that will help achieve something, goes confidently towards the goal, while calculating actions several steps ahead.

This essay is a continuation of the previous one about the message "Don't Feel"
There were interesting discussions in the comments, and I decided to reveal the topic in more detail.

Surely you have come across the opinion that:
“Is it really necessary to have feelings? Or are they just problems?
"I'm safer and calmer without feelings"
"I'd rather be insensitive than suffer like this"

Indeed, when a person finds himself in a situation where feelings are too strong and unbearable, or when it is not safe to express this or that feeling, especially if this situation lasts for a long time, he may decide not to feel.
Very often, such a decision is made precisely in childhood - when the child finds himself in an emotionally unbearable situation, or when this or that feeling is forbidden in the parental home (in the first part there was a description of the exercise "You run into the parental home")

Therefore, today we will talk about why feelings are needed and how you can learn to feel again.

About emotions and feelings
It is customary to use both the word "emotion" and the word "feeling". Are these concepts different?

Emotions and feelings differ in time and depth.
Emotions are situational, they arise and pass quickly
Feelings are long and deep.

For example:
You can love a person (this feeling, it lasts a long time)
And right now you can feel anger towards this person (this is an emotion)

Basic emotions and feelings
In psychology, basic emotions / feelings are distinguished - which are inherent in people of different levels of development and different cultures.
The list is slightly different in different directions.

For example, in transactional analysis, 4 basic emotions are distinguished:
joy
fear
anger
sadness

By the way, if you look at animals, then animals can also experience these emotions. A cat or a dog can be happy, afraid, angry or sad.

There is another list of 7 basic emotions
Interest
Joy
sadness
Anger (anger)
Fear
Disgust
Astonishment

Other emotions and feelings are "composite", are based on basic emotions, as well as thoughts, beliefs, assessments, and so on.
For example, feelings of shame or guilt - may be based on fear of rejection, assessments "I'm bad, something is wrong with me, I'm doing wrong", beliefs "if I'm bad/do this, then I will be rejected", and thoughts “I urgently need to correct myself / my actions”

Who controls the senses
Feelings and emotions are not directly controlled by consciousness.
They arise as a response to a particular life situation, when needs are satisfied or not satisfied.

What exactly the feeling will arise depends on the characteristics of the person himself.
In the same situation, one person can be scared, and the second angry.
This may depend on innate characteristics, as well as on decisions made in childhood - a person could decide that it was impossible to be angry and defend oneself, it would be safer to hide and run away.
In childhood, the child "learns" from his parents - in what situations you can feel this or that. For example, one may learn to feel guilty or suffer because older members of the family have done so, sometimes for many generations.

What are feelings for, and isn't it easier to do without them

1. To feel alive. I have repeatedly heard from people who repress and forbid their feelings that they feel like robots, people-functions - who simply perform certain actions, and life seems to pass by.
2. To feel the joy of life. If a person forbids himself to be angry or sad, then the range of feelings decreases, and he ceases to experience joy and happiness. Life becomes gray and bland, tasteless.
3. Feelings and emotions are important signals. They indicate that an important need is not being met and something is going wrong.

Living without feelings and emotions is like traveling through an unfamiliar city with your eyes closed.. Theoretically, it is possible to travel from point A to point B. But there is no fullness of impressions, there is no joy from what he saw, and you can get lost and go in the wrong place. In addition, you can miss something important or not notice the danger.

What to do, how to learn to feel again

Method 1. Acceptance and awareness
Do not fight with emotions and feelings. If they exist, then they are needed for something (even if at the level of consciousness it is not clear what for now)
Instead of giving an assessment (right or wrong, good or bad emotion-feeling) - just let them be.
Give the emotions-feelings a place and a time, observe them with acceptance, allow yourself to be aware and feel them.
Emotions and feelings are usually "reflected" in the body - as discomfort, voltage. Most often in the face, arms, torso.
You can observe these sensations, and your emotions and feelings, without judging them in any way.

Here it is important not to run away to do something immediately, as emotions-feelings arose, but to stay with them for a while, allow yourself to feel and live them.
While you are doing this, an understanding may just come of what your need is associated with these emotions-feelings.

I usually show my clients this way of observing:
1. Notice that there is an emotion-feeling. If possible, name it. For example, "I'm feeling anxious right now."
2. Pay attention to where the emotion-feeling is reflected in the body
3. Consciously observe it, directing attention to the area of ​​the body where this emotion-feeling is reflected.
4. You can metaphorically direct your breath to this area of ​​the body. Focusing on your breath helps you stay in the process and stay aware.
(I developed this method from the methods of Ericksonian hypnosis, psychosynthesis, body-oriented therapy and the direction of mindfulness)

When you stop fighting with your emotions and feelings, you establish good contact with them.
If this is a short-lived emotion, then by observing and feeling, you can live it completely, and it will go away, making room for something else.
If this is a long-term feeling that occurs regularly, then you can understand what it indicates and find new options for yourself.

Method 2. Drawing and art therapy
You can draw your feelings. It will also be about accepting and experiencing feelings.
It's very easy to do this:
You can draw on a sheet - A4 format is well suited
Or you can draw in a circle (mandala)

From the materials you can take what is at hand: pencils, pastels, paints. Felt-tip pens and colored pens are not very good, but if there is nothing, then you can use them. You can even use a single-color pen or with a simple pencil if there is nothing else, but you want to express your feelings right now.

Choose a time-place where no one will distract you for 5-10 minutes, and draw your feeling on paper. It is better if it is an abstract drawing (without specific objects, symbols and forms) - color spots, strokes, lines.

The material also matters.
For example, my client drew anger at her parents with colored pastels. She said that she wanted to press very hard on the pastel, and in the process the pastel pencils often broke. And it also helped her express her feelings.

After you have drawn, you can tear the sheet and throw away the scraps, and symbolically put your feelings into this action in order to react to them.

What to do if feelings flood
The paradox is that if you fight these feelings and forbid them to yourself, then the flooding will happen even faster.
When you observe your feelings or draw them, you disidentify with them to some extent, stop completely immersing yourself in them. Because there is one part of you that draws or feels, and the second part that observes and realizes.
If you try to stop the “objectionable” feeling, then an internal conflict unwinds and the tension only grows from this. You lose awareness, become a direct participant in the conflict, begin to scold yourself for the “wrong” feeling, fight with yourself, evaluate your feeling and yourself as “wrong, inappropriate” - and from this you plunge into experiences even more. For example, you may feel guilty about experiencing the wrong, inappropriate feeling, which further worsens the condition.

I invite you to discuss in the comments!

It happens that we suddenly realize that we are suffering in a relationship with an irrational person simply because we do not want to lower ourselves in our own eyes. We are too scared to admit that bad thoughts like “I Hate You and Want You to Disappear” or “I wish you were dead, otherwise I will die” have been roaming in our heads for a long time. It is important to realize that having such thoughts in itself is normal and does not make you bad, but it is a sign that it is time to stop communicating with an irrational person.

Do not even think about continuing the relationship - just leave. It is possible that a person will try to return you. In this case, use the following principles:
- don't react. Do not allow yourself to think that this person's problems are your responsibility or the result of your mistakes. Repeat to yourself: "This is his Point of View, his Problem, his Responsibility."
- don't risk it. Don't give this person a single chance to twist your words and make you guilty or responsible for the situation.
- do not resuscitate. Avoid situations in which a person would try to revive your relationship and begin to manipulate you again. Once you start using these principles, go all the way. At first, an irrational person will most likely try to drag you into a relationship again, but if you do not give in, he will eventually switch to another victim.
Personality disorder test.
A quick way to recognize a person suffering from a personality disorder, and it is not difficult to apply it on a date, even when applying for a job. Ask your interlocutor what annoyed, upset or disappointed him in the past, and try to understand who he considers guilty.
Does he say something like: "I shouldn't have given up painting" or put it differently: "I wanted to be an artist, but neither my parents nor my first wife supported me"? In the event that a person suffers from a personality disorder, he will certainly begin to blame others - and it will be clear to you that it is not worth continuing the relationship.
Six main types of people with personality disorders.
Hysteroid: people of this type need increased attention; they are uncomfortable when someone else is in the center. Surrounding such people are perceived as spectators who have gathered to contemplate another drama.
Narcissistic: These people see themselves as the center of the universe. Try to talk to them about your interests or needs - and they will immediately get bored or even angry. They expect special treatment from everyone and do not even think that they burden others with this.
Dependent: Irrational people sometimes get emotionally addicted, but now I'm talking about those who are constantly dependent on others. They need support: they are not able to make a single decision, they are not ready to act independently, they are afraid to be left alone.
Paranoid: These people need to constantly know where you are going, when you will return, and who you are spending time with. No matter how hard you try to assure them of your loyalty, they are not able to trust.
Borderline: such people live in a state of permanent crisis, constantly afraid that you will leave them or begin to control them. And so they either idealize you or hate you. The best sign that you have a person with borderline disorder is your constant fear of upsetting and pissing him off, because when this happens, he reacts out of proportion to the problem.
Sociopathic: at first, such people often make a very pleasant impression, but they are not capable of compassion and sympathy, they are unfamiliar with pangs of conscience. It seems to them that they have every right to do anything to achieve what they want, they do not care about your feelings, and they will not hesitate to hurt you if it is beneficial for them.
Don't hang out with psychos if you can.
Rather, consider whether you should continue to communicate with a person suffering from a personality disorder at all. Is there any reason to stay in a relationship if this person is able to draw all the strength out of you? You will not keep money in a deposit account if the bank has stopped accruing interest? Surely you decide to take the money to another bank, where you will be offered reasonable conditions.
The conclusion from our reasoning is this: if you have not yet invested too much in a relationship with a person suffering from a personality disorder, consider whether it would be wiser to end it altogether. I have to deal with such people endlessly - but this is my job. Attention! Only if you don't have a good enough reason, save yourself.
How to respond to an irrational attack - just keep quiet.
When an irrational person attacks, your first instinct is to hit back. But it won't work. So don't take it as an attack. Change your attitude by stopping and saying to yourself, "Great Opportunity to Show Composure."
Then properly yell or swear at the interlocutor - to yourself, not out loud! - using any suitable words. And then do nothing. Just take a break. And then think again: "Great Opportunity to Show Composure."
Thus, if the amygdala continues to bite the bit, you can silently scream at yourself. For example, say something like, "Mark, I don't give a fuck about this self-control, let's just brush the hell out!"
At this point, your interlocutor is already waiting for you to go into a defensive position and start screaming, crying or running away. When none of this happens, he will be disarmed. Now look your opponent straight in the eyes and say, bewildered, but without anger: “so - so - so. And what was it? Let the interlocutor verbally pour out on you again. that I like your tone, but I still don't want to miss anything: what exactly are you trying to convey to me? "Not your best performance, but tell me what do you want me to do or stop doing so that this conversation doesn't happen again? At some point, if you keep your composure, your interlocutor will realize that wild bucking no longer works. Now you can take the conversation on a more positive note. Even if you don't get to talk to a lunatic on that particular day, you will be proud of your behavior.
How to recover after the victory of a madman - apologize.
Only in the event that a conversation with a madman did not go according to plan and you lost control, it is quite possible that you have said or done a lot of hurtful things. Only if this is the case should you sincerely apologize.
It's very difficult - and yes, I know it seems completely dishonest. Because, from your point of view, the irrational person himself brought you to a breakdown. However, an apology will disarm him and make you feel better. So walk up to the person and say, "I'd like to apologize for being so vulnerable and sensitive to your words."
Most likely, something else interesting will happen. The person may turn to you and say, "I Know My Actions Disappoint You Too." From now on, your conversation will take a completely different direction. I understand that this way of behavior seems unfair to you. It's not you who screams, it's not you who weep, it's not you who says terrible things to another.
Usually, during the confrontation between rational and emotional clients in my office, it turns out that at some point the logical partner consciously or unconsciously deeply offended his more sensitive soul mate with coldness, arrogance, reprimand, dismissiveness or mocking ridicule. This means that both parties are guilty and each of them should apologize. And I'm just asking you to do it first.

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Logic.docx

What does it mean to live: a) emotions (feelings), b) reason, c) not reasonable (reckless), d) logic, e) common sense. Justify.

What is the meaning of human life on this earth? Most likely it is a physical presence in this world and at a certain time. And the most important thing is human activity in one way or another. We all breathe, drink, eat, sleep and reproduce - these are our most basic primitive needs and actions, without them we will not survive. But we will not talk about the physical essence of our being, but about our inner world. What does it mean to live at all? Everyone has their own opinions on this. For some, just waking up in bed in the morning is life, but for some, world fame is tantamount to life, and in its absence, a person considers himself dead. How many people there are, there will be so many opinions on this matter.

We discuss what it means to live by emotions (feelings). Each of us, to a greater or lesser extent, wants some kind of miracle, something unusual, mysterious, high, spiritual. Those people who are guided by their feelings, they get more saturation from life than the rest. But at the same time, they suffer the most. Why is this happening? Is the world of emotions too cruel? The thing is that a person who is guided by his heart passes everything through him, both bad feelings and good ones. Basically, such people are most often creative, any actors, singers, artists, dancers and just a certain mass of people, they all need inspiration, the so-called muse. Inspiration is a surge of energy, in which a person is on a very high rise in his state of mind, and a muse is an object or person that makes such an emotional person happy, joyful. But living with feelings is also very dangerous, because if everything that was before disappears, it becomes very bad, some people do not want to live at all. A person, of course, chooses his own destiny and how to live, but if a person was born morally sensitive, it is difficult for him to remake himself, so everyone is given their own life.

Intelligence. What it is? Most likely, this is the very thinking that is present in the human brain, as a rule, it is rational, that is, a person who possesses it can make decisions in a balanced and more or less correct way. A person who is dominated by rational thoughts will not be guided by emotions and feelings, he thinks in fairness, according to the facts that he sees, not including his inner feelings. Such a person lives quite successfully, since there is a certain restraint in his character, which allows him to be closer to his goals. A person, instead of doubting or feeling something, simply builds certain action plans that will help achieve something, goes confidently towards the goal, while calculating actions several steps ahead. But if life situations proceed only with the help of reasonable, considered points of the plan, then a person will not feel any bright and happy moments of life, because what we can prepare in advance will not be unforeseen and as interesting as it could be. As a result, life becomes boring, calculated, a person turns into a robot that is programmed for certain functions, and we lose the taste of life.

To live not reasonably (recklessly) means not to think about your future, but simply to go with the flow of life and accept what fate gives us. But besides this, recklessness also consists in the fact that a person performs actions spontaneously and the consequences do not bother him much. Because of this, a lot of life mistakes are made, which a person regrets later. Emotions can also be attributed to irrational actions, very often in a fit of some kind of anger we can say a lot, something that can hurt our neighbor, or just hit or kill someone by accident, a very large number of crimes are committed just like that. It is not reasonable, first of all, when it is not our rational thinking given by nature that decides for our actions, but the feelings that control us. A person needs to be able to use all the advantages given to him, people who do not engage in their mental faculties are not able to develop over time, and many actions become reckless.

A person has logic, but someone prefers to use it, and someone does not, or simply not everyone is given it. Each of us decides for himself how to live and how to enjoy certain benefits. Receiving wages at the end of the month, we distribute our expenses, we always want to make this or that purchase as correctly as possible. This is where we start thinking logically. If I buy cheaper footwear products, I will save on this, and I will have enough for other benefits. This is the first thing that comes to mind, but here we start to think that if I buy shoes of a cheap cut, it’s not a fact that I wear them for a long time and otherwise they will wear out quickly and I will have to buy shoes again, I will spend at least the same amount of money . How to avoid it? It's very simple: you need to buy shoes made of real leather, stitched, comfortable, but also more expensive and I won't have to go again in the near future to buy shoes again, as they can last, perhaps, a few more years. With the help of logic, we can make the most appropriate decision for us in various areas of life. Each person has their own logic. Someone will want to buy two or three pairs of cheap shoes in order to diversify their image and specifically buy another new pair soon, this action can also be logically correct from the point of view of one individual. Logic distributes our capabilities as rationally as possible to meet certain needs, we want comfort and coziness, and in everything and here we cannot get this without the right logical actions. To follow logic means to compare a chain of actions, to take gradual steps, to give reasons, to provide facts and, as a result, to prove the correctness of one's thinking, to draw a conclusion. Logic helps us to move in the right direction. It is difficult for some people to make a logical analysis, compare events, give examples, prove, just the thinking of such people is directed a little in the other direction, for example, it is easier for them to be guided by their feelings and not think about anything, and perhaps such people are not afraid of the consequences.

Common sense. This is the ability of a person to think soberly, the ability to predict events and thereby warn himself against mistakes. It is also a calm state of a person, in which he is in balance and clearly knows his capabilities. He sees his real ability to do something, he can reason and act rationally and rationally. To live in this way means to know the limit of one's actions, a person with common sense always understands where he is, with whom he speaks, what can be done and what not. Really looking at things, that is, not exaggerating or minimizing any event, but taking into account all the true prevailing ones, is health, that is, an understanding of things. Living always with common sense is very difficult, as a person is exposed to the influence of the environment. We cannot always control some actions, there are many irritants that affect a person in different ways. For example, postpartum depression, many women can be insane from the shock received, unfortunately not everything can control our minds. Or, for example, when a person is insulted, humiliated, he becomes furious, angry, these are emotions that are inevitable in many situations, a person simply abandons his common sense and resorts to satisfying his moral needs, that is, makes the other person feel the same as and he. Thus, a person has a sense of justice, and he is satisfied, but the consequences are deplorable, for example, illegal offenses leading to imprisonment.

It all depends on our upbringing and the advantages given to us by nature. It is very important to be able to think in the right direction, I am sure that it is not always necessary to listen to the people around you, even if they are relatives, because each of us has been given a head, and we need to learn to decide on our own life problems and tasks, we are all able to think. The search for truth consists in introspection, you yourself need to look for the truth in the world around you, and if you do it right, the opportunity not to make a mistake increases.

You can live in different ways and still not adhere to specific concepts. Due to the fact that life is multifaceted, we cannot live only with feelings or only with reason, recklessly or always according to logic. That's why we and people change from time to time, become better, look for that golden mean, which will be the most correct and optimal for us. To be guided by one thing means to lose in something, you cannot think in only one direction, otherwise, we will fall into a vicious circle, and no mental development will occur.