Says a family psychologist, consultant on interpersonal relationships, director of the dating agency “Me and You” Elena Kuznetsova.
If there is a “connecting link”
The friendship that former couples maintain is natural only if these people are connected by something after a breakup, for example, a child or a common business, says the psychologist.
Most often, women who are jealous of their exes, and out of emotion, ladies often put forward harsh ultimatums to their partners. This is not always correct, because assertive actions can only achieve results from weak men who are accustomed to submitting. A normal man will be unhappy with your demands.
Kuznetsova agrees that sometimes there really is: if a couple was once connected by strong feelings, then it is likely that they have not completely faded away. And looking at the child, the man still thinks about his ex-wife. It’s another matter if his lady is already in a new relationship, or there has never been much love in the family - there is no reason to worry.
When “fighting” with a rival, do not strictly limit the man, since he still cannot stop seeing his child or leaving the business he shares with his ex-wife. Act gently: you can cry, be sad, even talk about your fears. You can, again in a gentle form, offer an alternative. For example, do not go to your ex to communicate with the child in her house, but take the baby to your place for the weekend.
The new woman should be fully armed and if the man is still not indifferent to her. You should carefully find out from your chosen one what he liked in past relationships and what he lacked. After this, try to give your partner everything he needs: care, attention, sex, etc.
When nothing connects
If there is no “connecting link”, but a man still often communicates with his ex, or even former passions, saying that he remained on good terms with everyone after the breakup, this is a cause for concern.
“You can’t even name such a man. This is a man-woman, he is everyone’s best friend. Or he is a womanizer, and for him you are just another passing option. With a high degree of probability, we can say that such a man does not just see his exes, but meets them for sex,” notes Kuznetsova.
If a man does not communicate in a friendly manner with all his exes, but only with one woman, this relationship is still unnatural.
“If nothing connects people, what is the point of maintaining a relationship? Ask for advice, talk about your personal life? How then can you look your current passion in the eyes?” - continues the psychologist.
Kuznetsova explains that there is no such thing as pure, it is always based on something, either on feelings that have not yet cooled down, or on some kind of benefit, which does not necessarily mean something material. For example, a man likes to communicate with his ex because she has a calming effect on him. But then another question arises: why does your partner seek solace not from you, but from a previous passion.
The psychologist’s verdict is this: communication with exes when there is no “connecting link” between them is abnormal. And we need to fight this.
To begin with new girl you need to find out for what purpose her man is dating her ex. Carefully, without unnecessary emotions, several times, “approaching” from different directions, ask the same question. There should be some time between questions. If a man always gives the same answer, then his current lady needs to think about why she can’t give her chosen one what her ex gives him. We need to try to correct the situation.
If the answers are different, then the man is probably deceiving you. And, most likely, his meetings with his ex.
You can also call the man for a frank conversation and explain to him that you are unpleasant about his communication with his ex. It is possible that your chosen one did not even naively suspect this and for your sake will break with his past.
Internet doesn't count?
Often communication with exes takes place on the Internet. Often men on voiced new woman complaints about this, they ask not to make mountains out of molehills, because “it’s just the Internet.”
There is a very fine line here, and situations can be different, notes Elena Kuznetsova. She is sure that if a man loves his woman, he will not hurt her. Or if he sees that the current woman is jealous, he will try to explain the situation. It will show correspondence, from which it is clear that they communicate with their ex extremely rarely, they simply congratulate each other on the holiday, for example.
Another thing is that the man denies everything, and in the evenings he disappears on the Internet, and his communication with his ex is very close. And let we're talking about not about real, but about virtual relationships, emotionally he is still with the other. He can be with a real woman, for example, for the sake of bed or “saucepans”.
Useful information
Elena Kuznetsova, director of the dating agency “I and You”, family psychologist. Phone 8-920-909-62-35.“It sounds funny, but in this situation, a real woman finds herself in an even less advantageous situation than a virtual one, with whom the man lives internally and shares his impressions. If a man behaves like this, it means he is bored with his new woman. He does not receive what he receives from the previous chosen one,” states the psychologist.
A new girl needs to think more about her man in order to first displace and then replace her virtual friend, because interesting communication is rare. Just do not use assertive tactics under any circumstances if we are talking about a normal man and not. Rigidity can simply lead to a breakup, because your chosen one has already preferred another woman in terms of communication. And if a woman, less interesting in this regard, sets her own conditions, the man gets angry and says: “Don’t be hysterical, don’t invent something that doesn’t exist” - that is, he is already putting up blockers. If a woman continues to fight against a blocked door, she faces even more aggression.
If you have questions for psychologist Elena Kuznetsova, you can ask them by writing a letter to the editorial office of AiF-Vladimir: [email protected].
There is another interpretation of the saying about a broken cup: “The horse is dead - get off.” Yes, we agree, it's rude. But more truthful. But let's get closer to the topic.
The first question you want to ask is: “Why?” Why do you need stay friends with ex-boyfriend? “Well, he’s a good man,” you say. So why did they break up then, since he was a good person?
In any case, if among your arguments in favor of friendship there is at least one, for example, “Because!”, This is already a reason to think.
Let's put emotions aside and look at the situation soberly. In other words, Let's weigh the pros and cons.
Good news for those who still don’t want to let the man go. It's possible to remain friends with your ex-boyfriend and you can even do it successfully. But this option is only suitable when you both felt and decided that your relationship had exhausted itself, and the decision to separate was mutual. In all other cases (betrayal, hysterics, scandals, broken dishes), friendship is not an option.
When remaining friends with your ex, you must clearly answer two questions:
1. What will this friendship bring to you?
2. What goal do you personally pursue?
Just be honest with yourself. The answer should have popped into your head as soon as you read the question. Listen to your inner voice. Typically, girls want to remain friends with their ex-boyfriend in order to renew their relationship in the future or “atone” for their sins (mitigating the breakup). But these are just some of the most common options.
Is it possible to remain friends with an ex-boyfriend: pros
Plus the first one. You can make yourself a wonderful friend. This is the most successful relationship scenario. You know each other well, you can turn to him for advice (or vice versa), you may still have sex as a friend (for example, if you cannot find a new guy for a long time). Just be careful. You should be sure that you will no longer be able to experience anything other than friendly sympathy for this person.
Plus the second one. You still have a common company and common friends. By staying on good terms, you save your mutual friends from awkward situations and problems of choice: who to invite to a birthday party, to console first or to invite to a Friday party. Besides this good option, if you and your ex-boyfriend are united by a work team.
Plus a third. We mentioned this lightly at the beginning of the article. Sex without commitment. Why not? You know each other well and everyone's preferences; you don't need to get used to each other and get to know each other. The option, of course, is not for everyone. Guys are not at all against such an adventure, but with girls the situation is a little different. Not many representatives of the fair sex will be able to sleep with a person without falling in love with him (or not loving him). And again, you should be 100% sure that there are no more love feelings left for this person. Otherwise, you risk causing yourself suffering again.
Is it possible to remain friends with an ex-boyfriend: cons
Minus the first one. You are deceiving yourself. By being friends with your ex, you leave yourself with hope of renewing the relationship. In a situation of separation, putting a period is much better than leaving an ellipsis and living with hope that poisons the soul. In addition, by remaining friends with your ex, you will be aware of events in his life (what if he has a new passion?). Instead of being distracted, you will worry and suffer again and again. Do you need it?
Minus the second one. An ex-boyfriend can prevent you from finding new love. If the friendship initiative came from his side, the guy’s feelings for you probably haven’t faded. Your ex-boyfriend will keep an eye on your life and scare away new suitors. Another option: he may get pleasure from the thought that you are lonely (a kind of revenge?).
Minus the third. You still can’t put a beautiful point. No matter how delicate and quiet the parting may be, it still leaves a bitter aftertaste. Continuing your relationship risks leading to a continuation of the showdown. This means that each subsequent meeting is a pound of salt on an unhealed wound. Well, you can’t first seethe with passions and then slide into a friendly “How are you?”
Minus the fourth. Jealousy cannot be avoided.
“Going after men” after a breakup is usually uncharacteristic for girls. The same cannot be said about the guys. They quickly brighten up their loneliness with tuned blondes, instead of grieving on the stove from parting with us. Friends should be sincere. Therefore, to the question “What’s new?” a story may follow about a new girl who is doing well. Agree, it’s easy to label a person with the words “ex” and it’s so difficult to understand with your heart that this man is no longer yours.
Minus the fifth. Let go of the past so that the new can come. You can't pour anything into a full glass. Let go of the past and leave it in the past. Open yourself up to new relationships and something new in general. Turn this page of your life, don’t re-read it. After all, you have a whole book of amazing and wonderful stories ahead of you.
It is not for us to tell you what to do. These tips are just experience and observations from my personal life. We only want to protect you from mistakes, but the choice is always yours.
Relationships after divorce are never easy. Often ex-wives and husbands accuse each other of all mortal sins and can only communicate with each other with shouting and mutual reproaches. It seems they can never find again common language and stop being rude to each other.
But today the number of divorces is so high that one person may experience several divorce cases throughout his life. Therefore, it makes no sense to turn once loved people into sworn enemies and then spend your entire life crossing the street to the other side during sudden meetings.
It is much wiser to part ways on friendly terms and maintain relationships at the level of old acquaintances. Of course, this is not possible in every situation. However, if the reason for your divorce was not something extremely horrific, over time you may well be able to call your ex-husband a friend.
How to remain friends after divorce?
Do your best to separate peacefully.
This is especially important if you have a common child who will watch your relationship all your life. Regardless of whether you live together or not. Therefore, if you want to remain friends, try not to say too offensive things to each other that you will regret later. And if possible, talk like two adults and reasonable person without resorting to shouting.
However, if in the course of “family squabbles” it turns out that you have lived next to a complete stranger for several years and his views on life completely contradict yours, think about why you need to maintain friendship with him in the future? In this case, it is better to separate once and for all.
Give your feelings time.
Living every day with a person side by side, sleeping in the same bed with him and regularly declaring his love - this is not forgotten in one day. And even more so, the habit of perceiving him as your soulmate does not go away overnight. If you have separated and are firm in your intention, try not seeing each other for a while. Let your feelings cool down a little. And after a while, you will be able to move from a romantic relationship to a purely platonic one, behind which there will be only friendship and a sincere desire on both sides to support each other in life.
Respect your ex's new girlfriends.
Time passes, the Earth turns, and nothing stands still. Just yesterday he was your husband, and three months later he started an affair with someone else. Well, this happens. But this is not the end of the world. If you dream of maintaining friendly relations with your ex, learn not to be jealous of new women and, if possible, do not interfere in their lives. After all, not every person is able to calmly react to the presence of their former significant other in the close environment of their lover.
Keep your friendships within strict limits.
Relationships with ex-husbands and admirers are like dangerous walking on a fine line, which is very easy to cross, but dealing with the consequences is incredibly difficult. Having decided to take such a bold step as friendship with your ex, try to avoid any physical contact with each other, sitting together over a cup of coffee and any other provocative situations. Especially when each of you is lonely. All this often gets out of control and turns ex-spouses into lovers who don’t want to live together and can’t really separate. Do you really want to get into such an unenviable situation?
Don't have unrealistic expectations.
Here lies the main mistake of many men and women. Having separated and offering to maintain friendship, they subconsciously dream of the return of their family. But if one of them is determined to divorce and find a new partner, nothing good will come of it. You will only open up unhealed wounds and experience another disappointment in the future.
So, do yourself a favor and remain friends with ex-husband only if you are really determined to maintain friendship with him (and he too) in the truest sense of the word. In all other cases, it is better to part quickly and decisively.
We live in a world where every day they try to prove to us that friendship with ex-partners is not just normal, but good, civilized, progressive. But psychologists think differently. And they have good reason.
As a rule, when parting with former lovers, we vow to ourselves to remain on good terms, keep in touch, not get lost, and come to the rescue. And in general, when a relationship breaks down, unless, of course, it is a scandal accompanied by breaking dishes and things thrown from the balcony, we are honestly going to remain friends and... stop communicating altogether. It turns out that ending a relationship, getting lost, even with the warmest feelings for each other, is normal. We have already said everything, found out everything and literally in a few moments became strangers to each other.
Not so long ago, scientists from a New Zealand clinical center even stated that only people with mental problems maintain friendships with former lovers. 850 volunteers took part in the study. The experts asked them a series of detailed questions about their previous relationships. In particular, respondents had to talk about the reasons for the breakup and about contacts with their ex-partner after the breakup. Having thoroughly studied the behavior of each of the respondents, experts found out that only people suffering from various types of mental disorders maintain warm, friendly relationships with ex-partners.
A woman wants to be friends with her ex because she still has hope. A man ─ because he hopes for sex.
Interesting fact: the ulterior motives why people want to remain friends with their exes are radically different between men and women. If a woman who wants to be “friends”, as a rule, is not able to realize that the romance is over and it’s time to move on, then the man looks at the situation without illusions, and wants to remain friends solely for the sake of satisfying his sexual needs. So you shouldn’t get your hopes up - such friendship, combined with sexual contact, can drag on for years, and no qualitative changes will follow.
There are always two people to blame for the breakdown of a relationship, this truth is as old as time, so it is not surprising that after a tragic (or not so tragic) ending, there is no desire to maintain the relationship, even if you do not immediately rush into the next romance.
Experts say that those who insist on maintaining friendly relations should be treated with the greatest caution. Moreover, sexy.
Another option: your ex is a psychopath. Yes, yes, this also happens, some deviations may not be noticed, and if doubts still arise in your head, you will immediately throw them away, attributing your partner’s strange behavior to excessive emotionality. Meanwhile, psychopaths are also owners, however, unlike narcissists, their sense of possessiveness gets along quite well with a painful attachment to their significant other, unreasonable jealousy, fits of aggression or attacks of despondency, so, most likely, by agreeing to be friends with a psychopath, you are dooming yourself to endless hysterics, which will only become more frequent over time. In addition, former partners are often looking for an opportunity to get at least some benefit from us, in other words, if things don’t work out with love, you need to “shake out” everything else, including, by the way, sex.
With women it’s a little different. The psyche of many of us is so structured that sometimes it is quite difficult for men to distinguish whether a lady simply has an obnoxious and capricious character, or whether she really has problems with her head. Often our need for friendship with exes is a consequence of deep emotional attachment. We, especially if our feelings, unlike those of our partner, have not yet faded away, are gladly ready to accept the new rules “now we are friends” for one single reason: it seems to us that if the ex-boyfriend remains in our field of vision, it will be too early or later he will return. This is not so, especially if the “person opposite” has not had tender feelings for you for a long time, over time the friendly relationship will simply begin to irritate him, the relationship will still end completely, and you will have to be treated for depression for a long time. Most easy way forget the one you still love - run as quickly and far as possible.
And yet, even taking into account the research of scientists, you should not think that your man, falling into the category of exes, immediately becomes mortally dangerous, by no means, your ex does not become a maniac, but it would still be nice to keep an ear to the ground, in after all, who among us wants to be used, offended, abandoned? And warm relations - why not? In the end, we live in a civilized world, cultural separation is now in fashion, especially if you were connected for more than just romantic relationship, and years of marriage or even children.
This does not always mean the end of the relationship. Sometimes a new stage follows, called “friendship between exes.” What is the point in this, and what is more in such relationships - benefit or harm? Let's try to figure it out.
People break up for various reasons. And a break in a relationship is not always accompanied by scandals, broken dishes, hysterics and accusations. It happens that feelings simply fade away. At the same time, they respect each other, they are interested in communicating, but there is no spark, or life goals turn out to be higher than the relationship. In such cases, an offer to remain friends may make sense.
Is there any benefit?
Absolutely yes. Otherwise, hundreds of thousands of people would not remain true friends after breakups. People who have gone through close relationships still have many reasons to communicate further: they know each other’s habits and interests well, it is easier for them to feel the mood of the interlocutor, they have common memories, not only of an intimate nature.
By the way, about intimacy. People who have experienced it will be much more open with each other, because there are fewer barriers between them. It turns out that an ex-man can make an ideal friend. Perhaps so.
But friendship after an affair also has its downsides. They are most often associated with the opportunity for both partners to start new relationships. It is unlikely that you will like that your boyfriend communicates with his ex-girlfriend. So your new chosen one will not like your ex-boyfriend.
Friendship with ex-lover may interfere with new relationships
You or your ex may feel guilty about starting a new relationship. And you will have to be torn between friendship and love, trying to please everyone.
And the last minus of friendship between former partners the fact is that it is not easy for them to discuss new relationships with each other. An unreasonable feeling of guilt arises again. Especially if you are in a relationship, but your ex is not yet.
Friendship between exes: pros and cons
Psychologists advise giving up friendship with your ex-boyfriend if:
- The breakup happened on his initiative, and you are still hurt because of the breakup.
- One of you was constantly jealous of the other with or without reason. This will not go away when the relationship becomes friendly.
- You were connected only by sex, and outside of bed, your interests with your partner did not coincide at all, there was nothing to talk about.
- In a relationship. It doesn't matter whether it's physical or mental. If a person crosses this line once, he will no longer be able to restrain himself.
- Your partner has become uninteresting to you or you have stopped respecting him - changing the format of the relationship will not return either respect or interest.
- If your partner is addicted to alcohol, drugs or gambling. An attempt to maintain friendship in this case may lead to a return to that painful relationship format from which you ran away.
- If you still love your ex. You can experience these feelings only by moving away to a certain distance and waiting for time.
What's the point of being friends with your ex if you're bored with him? | imujer.com Friendship with ex-man useful, and even necessary if:
- Do you have children together?. They have the right to both parents. And it’s better if parents communicate with each other without scandals, intrigues and manipulation of children. But if a child returns from his dad on edge every time, if you see that he is being pitted against you, then it is better to stop communicating with his father.
- You work together. There are times when work is more important than relationships. So it is better to keep them normal, especially if you are going to have a career. Although there are such separations, after which it is easier to change jobs than to forgive.
- Your Ex Can Help You. Yes. This is cynical, but why lose the necessary contacts and a good specialist if your ex-partner is one? Sometimes maintaining a good relationship with an eye to the future is much more useful than slamming the door loudly. Provided it won't be too hard for you.
- Mutual friends. They suffer the most when couples separate. After all, this often threatens that friends will be forced to choose which side they are on. If your company is dear to you, and the breakup was smooth and painless, then you can remain friends for the sake of the environment.
It is impossible to give a definite answer to the question of whether there can be friendship between former partners. Every relationship is different, just like every breakup. Although psychologists believe that the desire to continue the relationship after a breakup indicates that you were unable to get out of the relationship. Without ending one relationship, starting another will be very difficult.
