Is it possible to return the old relationship if you have already broken up? In what cases do you have a chance, and in what cases does it not make sense to do this?

The characters in The Parent Trap (Dennis Quaid and Natasha Richardson) are reconciled... by their own children.

How to "enter the same river twice"?

When people break up, it seems to them that this is the only right decision. But days pass, weeks pass, and the pain does not subside. At this point, a burning desire to return to past relationships may appear. Is it worth it? Before attempting to get your ex (ex) back, answer yourself four main questions.

By sincerely answering them, you can conclude whether your relationship is viable. And if so, then you have to try not to step on the same rake.

Question number 1.
What are the reasons for the breakup?

There may be several reasons for the breakup. It doesn't make sense to return a relationship if the reason was:

love is gone, disappointment and emptiness has come.

you are disappointed in the former (former) as a sexual partner, or disappointed in you.

constant betrayal, lies.

aggression, despotism, pathological jealousy, fights.

alcohol, drug abuse, gambling.

All these reasons “kill” relationships, and it is hardly possible to reanimate them. Most likely, your conflict will repeat itself.

You can try again if:

you parted in the heat of the moment after a violent quarrel.

you did not understand each other, "did not agree on the characters."

you broke up because of resentment, inability to forgive, pride, jealousy, etc., but love is alive.

you have realized your mistake and are sincerely ready to change.

Question number 2.
What pushes you to re-rapprochement?

When trying to return a relationship, love is not always the driving force. It can be loneliness, fear, guilt, emptiness or the desire to prove something to someone.

If for a long time close person filled your life, but you had to leave, loneliness, emptiness and fear of the new will come to replace you. And your memory will throw out such a thing: it will show you only happy frames from life together and everything bad will be forgotten. This is a psychological protection from experiences. All this does not mean that you urgently need to return the past, this is a natural reaction. This period just needs to be experienced. The void can be filled immediately, but not with new relationships. During this period, new relationships do not bode well.

People who tend to turn aggression on themselves may experience guilt and depression. This suggests that feelings are not splashed out, but hidden deep inside. This happens especially often when the separation did not occur on your initiative. You may be tormented by the question - maybe I did something wrong? At this moment, it may seem to you that if you just get better, they will start loving you and everything will be fine. But this is just an illusion.

Sometimes it happens that people go for a second rapprochement just because they want to prove something to themselves and others.

“I can bring him back! I’m still the best!”, “You’re nobody without me, and I’ll prove it to you!” It's just wounded selfishness.

If all this has nothing to do with you, you are sure that you are driven by love, go for it!

Question number 3.
Is there trust and the possibility of compromise?

Do you respect your partner despite the conflict? Do you respect his decision? Are you able to sincerely talk to him about the causes of the conflict? Are you ready to change yourself? If yes, then all is not lost on your part.

If only the phrases “he should”, “how could he”, “scoundrel”, “he needs it”, “he will crawl again”, “I won’t forgive” are spinning in your head, you are clearly not ready for dialogue.

Do they trust you? And is your partner ready for sincerity and compromise?

Check. Does he explain to you the reasons for the breakup, does he talk about his thoughts and feelings? Does he avoid sensitive topics? Does he show a willingness to change something in himself? If yes, then you have a chance. And if he gets off with phrases like “Well, we are different. Did not get along. Not fate,” he does not want to be frank. Everything is decided for him. Such relationships are doomed. If it is impossible to call the former to frankness, you need to forgive and let him go.

Question number 4.
Can you meet your partner's basic needs? Is he yours?

Find out - the dissatisfaction of what basic needs led to the separation. We have many different needs, determine which ones are the most important for you and your partner:

in domestic comfort

in parenting,

in recognition and self-esteem,

in freedom, in leadership,

in love and honesty,

in high-quality varied sex,

in full acceptance and no claims,

in material support,

in spiritual kinship and common interests.

If your needs do not match, think about whether you can mutually satisfy them?
In some cases, discrepancies in needs can be negotiated. Especially if you have a lot in common. And if you know how to negotiate.

By the way
Together again!

Nelly Uvarova
Nelly recently returned to ex-husband, with whom she broke up due to his betrayal. The actress is expecting a baby.

Alexander Domogarov
The actor returned to his ex-wife Natalya Gromushkina. It was she who helped him survive the death of his son from his first marriage. In total, Domogarov was married three times.

Dmitry Nagiev
Dmitry reconciled with his wife Alice Sher, whom he divorced last year.

On a note
How to behave if you decide to return

Forgive yourself and him for the mistakes you have made. Take advantage of past experience.

Do not show your partner despair, do not put pressure on pity, do not find out who is more to blame, do not blackmail with money and children.

Sincerely tell about "bright" feelings for your partner, express your readiness to meet his wishes.

Before you start living together again, discuss the nuances of your new relationship. What has hurt you in your past relationships? What feelings and in what situations did you experience? How will you build relationships now? What are you willing to give up? How can you lower your requirements? What needs in family life are the main ones for you and you are not ready to give them up? What concessions and changes do you expect from a partner? How will you resolve conflicts now?

If you manage to sincerely discuss all these issues and find a compromise, you have a chance for happiness!

To return the ex, to return the past relationship ... Coming to a consultation, this question is often asked to me by women, so the idea arose to understand the topic in detail. I hope that the article will help women soberly assess the situation and understand how they should proceed. I'll start, perhaps, with the main thing - with the wording of the question.

When one person sets himself the task of "returning the other", it looks a little strange. You can return the book that you left with a friend, return the money that you borrowed, return the taken thing to its place. But a person? It turns out that when you try to return the ex, you do not take into account his desires, feelings, and most importantly, his choice. Does he need to be returned?

Of course, in the first days after you broke up, when the separation took place at the initiative of the partner, the question of what desires and feelings the other is experiencing is not the main one.

Everything around overshadows the state of shock, despair, misunderstanding of what is happening. “How could he do this?”, “How did I deserve this?”, “I did so much for him…”, “for what?” - this is an incomplete list of questions that appear in my head.

Before deciding whether to bring back past relationships, it is important to be aware of how you feel at the moment and talk to someone about how you feel. Talking to a person who will simply support you, without judgment or advice, will help you get out of a state of despair.

After you calm down, ask yourself, is it worth it to return to past relationships at all? What did they give you?

A feeling of fullness of life, happiness, joyful emotions, maybe a sense of security and self-confidence? Did you experience these emotions only with a partner, but otherwise everything in your life was bad, dull and gray?

With an honest answer to this question for yourself, it may turn out that you were with a person, not because you loved him very much, but because you are afraid of loneliness, because you are already used to it and don’t know how to live without it. Although mutual understanding has long disappeared between you.

Often after the departure of a partner, a feeling of the meaninglessness of life, fear of the future appears inside. It occurs when you begin to idealize the past. Only the good is remembered, the bad begins to be forced out. It seems that when there was a man nearby, life was much brighter and better, and if he does not return, you will not be able to continue to live, the world will collapse. Everything will become boring, gray and dull again.

The feeling of “strong love” and the impossibility of living without the former speaks of your own unfulfillment, that you are not interesting to yourself, and you still won’t be able to fill it with another person. If this awareness does not occur, then the feeling that you experience develops into addiction.

You can read more about the causes and mechanisms of this phenomenon in the article " love addiction »

In my opinion, healthy relationships are built on the principle “it’s good with you, I love you, but if you leave, I will live on”, that is, the world will not collapse from this. If relationships are built on the principle “I can’t live without you”, then most likely it’s not love, but an addiction that needs to be treated, corrected, and not tried bring back past relationships.

If you are sad that you broke up, but you understand that the world has not collapsed, you respect the choice of a partner, despite the fact that you are feeling bad now, then you really love him. And in this case, it is likely to renew the relationship if the partner will meet you halfway.

However, in some cases, returning a man is not only unnecessary, but also useless. Especially when the person who left you does not do this for the first time, and also if you have been living in the expectation that “just about” everything will get better, he will definitely change and everything will be fine (but in reality there is little what has changed since the time you were together).

If the person with whom you maintained a relationship constantly hurt you, reproached you, cheated on you, did not take into account your needs and deprived you of attention, and, as a result, left you, then it is unlikely that he will change and stop treating you in the usual way.

You tolerated such behavior, which means that you yourself allowed yourself to be treated this way, and your partner has long been accustomed to this. But you can draw conclusions from these relationships and build your future differently.

Switch your focus not to immediately returning your partner, but to understanding what business interests you, how you can develop yourself, how you are interesting to yourself and thereby increase your self-esteem. Realize your strengths and weaknesses, based on your own desires, and not on the opinions of others.

This can be difficult to do at first. Here you may need the help of a psychologist or good friend who could support you at this stage. It is important to remember that life does not end. Spending your energy to bring back the person who disrespected you is not worth it.

What to do if your relationship was, at first glance, adult, adequate, but suddenly your partner decided to leave you? Here I would like to say that “suddenly” nothing happens, most likely, you ignored, “did not notice” the problem that had been present in the relationship for a long time.

In this case, if you really love your man, you should respect his choice. Since he left, it means that there were reasons for that. Talk to him about it, without reproaches and scandals.

What was the reason for such a decision? Perhaps the reason was a new love or your inattention, excessive jealousy, lack of common interests? You can find out the reason for the breakup by asking directly: “What was wrong in our relationship? Why did you make such a decision?”

You will have a ready answer in order to change and try to return the relationship. But only in the case when your partner takes responsibility for your breakup and expresses his readiness to meet halfway and also change in some way. If the decision to restore the relationship is yours, then perhaps you will succeed. If there is no such solution, then it is impossible to fix anything.

There are also cases when a person did not like your external data, which you cannot change. Such a reason for the breakup may mean that he could not truly love you, you only aroused his interest for some period, or he was comfortable with you for some time.

But if after that you still want to be with him, give him time to sort out his feelings. Far from always such behavior means that the partner used you. Perhaps his choice was influenced by different beliefs that were formed in childhood. By giving him time to think and be alone with yourself, you yourself will be able to think in detail whether you really need him?

If you yourself made the decision to leave the person, and then changed your mind and realized that you made a mistake, what to do in this case? First, understand the reason for your departure. Did you decide to leave for a good reason or to show your pride?

Games with pride can be quite dangerous. Flirting with such manipulations, you expect that a person will be dependent on you and ready for anything under the threat of your departure. And he may be old enough and not succumb to manipulation.

Ask yourself, what kind of person do you want to build a relationship with? People with more infantile thinking succumb to manipulation. If you want to build a relationship with a morally mature person, learn to ask if something is missing in your relationship.

Sometimes the situation is quite the opposite. A woman leaves a man with whom it was simply unbearable to live. For example, he beat her, insulted her, constantly went into a binge. And now, having made the decision to leave, she can’t get rid of her doubts, but did she do the right thing? Maybe she hasn't done everything to save the relationship?

Such doubts can sometimes turn into a deep sense of guilt. This feeling and persistent desire to save someone is a symptom of addiction and co-dependent relationships.

A sign of a healthy relationship is your peace of mind, a sense of security, and a desire to grow.

If a year or two has passed, you have not communicated, then it is unlikely that you can return such a relationship. It is naive to expect that your ex, just like you, sat and thought, but when will you finally call him and call him back?

Such cases, however, happen when you often see each other, you have children, or a common cause. Both of you are changing, and having parted with some people, you can be together again with others. By changing their attitude towards each other, and rethinking past mistakes. But this is more the exception than the rule.

If you have not seen a person for a year or two, but thoughts about him do not allow you to sleep peacefully, it is time to reconsider your life, to realize why you are stuck in the past, which prevents you from investing in your future.

Your life is most likely stagnant. Remembering past relationships, you think that by returning the ex, whom you have not seen for a year or two, you can again feel the fullness and joy of life. This is far from true.

Because your partner is also waiting to be filled. Perhaps one "love" is not enough for him. To have a fulfilling relationship, you need to develop, be interesting. And for this, instead of wasting time on returning the past, it might be worth looking at how to change the present?

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I have a very principled friend. "Yes, I'd rather get along with my ex!" - this is how she usually responds to an offer to do something inappropriate. And to return to the ex-partner is, according to a friend, the edge. The very bottom. And then there is nowhere to go, there is nowhere to fall. We parted - and that's the end of it, what is there to talk about? She died so.

Is it possible to return to former partners

I am not like that. I like songs that sing about "come back, I'll forgive everything" and especially - "what a fool I was." I love films where the characters first throw to each other "be gone, perish!" and build new world, and then converge and live happily ever after - until the very credits. I myself, what is already here, made, as they say now, a comeback. True, the credits in that story went too quickly.

And all because life is not a movie and my personal zilch fits into the trend: according to the observations of psychologists, in about 95% of cases, the operation "return love" fails. Moreover, few people even seriously think about starting over with a former partner. And those who decide to move from thoughts to actions are even fewer.

“Still, in terms of relationships, we are more focused on moving forward,” says psychologist Natalia Kotova. Especially men. And it's not even that an unexplored woman is more interesting than a studied one, although this is also the case. Trying to reconnect includes a willingness to give in and, if need be, correct mistakes. And for the average guy, "I'm sorry, I was wrong" is like a sharp knife. "Recognition of one's own mistakes in a man often reaches the highest level of generalization," explains Natalia. If you made a mistake, it means that you are a loser, a pathetic person, and your life is not worth a penny. It’s unpleasant to learn such news about yourself, so it’s more logical to try to hook up with another woman who doesn’t really know who you are. Then with the third, fourth - and so on until a saving idea arises to figure out what's what (not everyone has it). It is much easier for us, beauties, in this sense, our psyche is more flexible and stable. Therefore, in terms of comebacks, the weaker sex traditionally shows great activity.

Why are women attracted to ex-partners?

Another question: why, with such a successful device of the psyche, move backwards? What could be behind the desire to return an ex-partner? The first thing that comes to mind, of course, is "I still love him." Okay, but not informative. Whatever meanings are wrapped in this beautiful wrapper, however, upon closer examination, not all of them are related to love.

"I'm in pain." And also sad, lonely, you are confused and doubt everything. If not much time has passed since the breakup, then everything is going according to plan, and your feelings are natural. A gap is a loss, and any loss must be mourned with quality, otherwise it will not be possible to stomp further with an even back. "Love neurosis lasts an average of two years," warns Natalia Kotova. The good news is that some do it much faster. We must wait.

"Only with him did I feel good." "I'm comfortable with myself, I'm good with others, but it's even better with you - this is love," our expert formulates. That's it, sorry. Until you understand what the departed Petya gave you so special, and you don’t learn how to provide for yourself with this on your own, there are few chances for a quality relationship with a particular Sergey or with anyone in general. Of course, it is safer to delve into yourself under the supervision of a specialist.

"I feel humiliated." There are many things behind these words. For example, wounded pride - "I'm not one of those who are thrown." Do you remember the Sex and the City episode where Samantha tries to get revenge on the man who left her and seduce him a second time? The case ended in a heartbreak - and again her, Samantha.

"It's better to learn to accept defeat with dignity," Natalia advises. Perhaps you are tormented by the fear of not meeting anyone else, but "everyone says that it is a shame to be lonely." Or you have already met someone, but nothing good comes out of him either, so the former is remembered. It would be more useful to honestly dissect your motives, deal with fears - and still move on.

If you really want to get your ex back, what to do

However, maybe your separation really is a monstrous mistake that must be corrected by all means. Rejoice - you have a way to fix everything. True, it does not guarantee quick results, and it requires a lot of effort. But are you a fighter?

Close old account.“This does not mean “forgive everything,” warns Natalia Kotova. “Where there is forgiveness, there is always inequality. A person who generously forgives sins to another inevitably finds himself “from above.” And people do not enter into a healthy partnership on such conditions. Perhaps they broke up due to the fact that one always somehow felt the superiority of the other. Then what to do? Scrupulously calculate and recognize the "losses" incurred in past relationships. I gave him the best years, spent a lot of time solving his problems, refused a promotion, bought him an iPad - in general, absolutely everything, down to a penny. And then - to say goodbye to all this goodness forever: "Use it to your health, dear, even if not with me." In the same way, one must recognize one's own right to dispose of everything that was received from a man. After all, he, whatever one may say, gave you something valuable - care, tenderness, sex, rings and bracelets, again.

Transfer responsibility for the break to its initiator. This means to stop, finally, reproaching yourself for possible mistakes that served as an impetus for parting. They may have been, but which ones, you yourself will not guess, because someone else's soul is darkness. Just say, mentally referring to the ex-partner: "On my initiative, we would not have parted, it was your decision, your responsibility - so I give it to reliable hands" (the text is adjusted depending on the circumstances).

As the saying goes: "Nothing lasts forever!". And no matter how sad it may sound, such an expression is sometimes applied to matters of the heart. That is why in the life of some couples there comes a moment when their relationship ends. As a rule, any parting is much more difficult for the fair sex. Some girls begin to suffer, live in illusions and torment themselves with thoughts that maybe this is not the end and everything will work out when they return to their places. Sometimes that's exactly what happens. Life gives one more chance to try everything from scratch. Is it worth going back to former relationship, “stepping on the same rake again” and trying to revive them again in the place where feelings once faded away? So, we declare a conversation on a frank topic about whether it is worth gluing a “broken cup” together and what can come of it, we declare it open.

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Photo gallery: Is it worth returning to the former relationship?

Reasons for the break.

You broke up, and you live with the illusion that maybe everything could be different for you. Which is why, of course, you're pinning your hopes on what can still be returned. And if you (or even both of you) have feelings, how not to dream about it? But, before you think about whether it is worth returning the former relationship, you must be guided by the reason for which you broke up. And there are usually many such reasons. And they can be divided into harmless ones, which over time are easy to forget, survive, and those that left a very deep imprint on the heart, settled in your memory for a long time. In the first case - if you parted, as if speaking, out of stupidity, not understanding each other, jealous for no reason, or did it because of a petty trifle, which you both now regret. With such reasons, you can easily measure up, completely cross them out and easily start everything with your ex from scratch. But there are also those reasons for the breakup that can greatly affect your relationship even after reconciliation. It is they who are among the factors that leave a “deep scar on the heart” of one of the partners and it is very difficult to say goodbye. For example, your ex-boyfriend, who wants to renew your relationship, brutally cheated on you (albeit once), raised his hand against you, morally humiliated you, and so on. It was one of these reasons that made you take the responsible step and say no to this relationship. In this case, it is worth, first of all, to think about your future next to this person. After all, it’s not at all a fact, having met with your ex, you will once again experience all these hardships on yourself again. Remember that people very rarely change, and if it was once, it is possible that this will all happen again. In a word, if you are considering the option - whether or not you need to return to this guy, think about this act and remember what exactly caused your breakup.

We compare the facts.

If you haven't decided yet whether you should go back to your ex-boyfriend or keep ignoring him, try to make a list of all his positive and negative qualities. After all, you know this expression: “Paper will endure everything,” why don’t you check it out in practice. Take a sheet of paper, draw it into two columns: in the first, write all the pluses (specify what exactly you lead them in), and in the second, the minuses of your ex-boyfriend. Then put them under your pillow, and in the morning, on a fresh mind, read it all. Of course, you can say that you could have flipped a coin instead. But it won't give you anything, because we are talking about your future, in which you want to see a devotee and loving man. So read these pros and cons and draw one general conclusion for yourself whether you need to return to a former relationship. By the way, remember why exactly you fell in love with this person and how well you managed to know and discover him. Remember that this means a lot and will certainly help you decide what to do.

Timing matters a lot.

How old is your former relationship? A week, a month, six months? What can I say, you didn’t have time to find that “golden mean” in this short time, for the sake of which lovers live and “breathe each other”. Or maybe that chemistry simply didn’t arise between you, or there simply wasn’t enough time for this. But in any case, of course, you can return to these relationships and try to build them again. Well, if you were together for a year, two, five ... and broke up, believe me, it is unlikely that anything will change if you reunite again. If you didn’t have enough time to build your love, it makes no sense to glue the relationship again, because once again they can crack. And the second time it will be much more painful.

Live without thinking about you...

A seam is always visible in any glued cup, even if you use the most effective glue to hide it. This is exactly what happens in relationships between people. Going twice into the same river is, of course, a noble thing and, as they say, already proven, but there is always a share of risk. This is worth remembering. Think about it, maybe you shouldn't go back to your ex-boyfriend? After all, living the illusion that everything can work out for you on the second try, it simply moves away from you the chance to meet the real one, with whom everything can work out on the first try. Think about it, maybe you still don’t need to go back to the future, but you should start new life(sorry for the tautology) from a new page and with new love!

And advice for fixing: you should not go back to where you have already burned yourself, because it can happen to you again, and then the burn will be much more painful, and the scar from it will be deeper. You deserve the best! Worthy of love and be loved without any experiments, repetitions and attempts "number two", which, it is not at all excluded that they can give a cut-off. Live in the future, not the past, and get rid of the unnecessary illusions that are pulling you back to your ex boyfriend and former relationship with him! Good luck!